Over the years, I’ve learned that I have a truly special talent for procrastinating. It’s a gift, really. Need any task of any kind done by a certain time? Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to not start on it until the last minute and get it done right in the nick of time after a flurry of completely stressful and agonizing hours. Sounds like fun, right? I’ve created this simple step by step guide so you can become as skilled at procrastinating as I am. Thank me later :]
01. First, create a to-do list. Make this list as detailed as possible, like a plan-of-action for tackling whatever project you need to do. This is guaranteed to make you feel like you’re being super productive and you’ll be able to justify taking a lengthy break after this. Remind yourself that you just used a lot of energy creating that list, so you’d better recharge before you really dive in!
02. Migrate to your workspace and assess your surroundings to really make sure this is a good area in which to be productive. For example: if you’re writing a paper, take a seat on the couch to make sure it’s comfy and you have space to spread out. Play a few rounds of CandyCrush or go through your Instagram feed to test out this spot. If it doesn’t seem like you’ll get much done here, just repeat this process until you’ve found your perfect work area.
03. Now that you’re all settled, you’d better watch just one episode of your favorite show on Netflix. If you don’t do this now, it’ll be in the back of your mind while you’re working and you won’t be able to focus so just get it out of the way. Clear your mind of this certain would-be distraction!
04. At this point, you will have DEFINITELY worked up an appetite, so go grab a snack. While you’re at it, engage in small talk with anyone that’s around (including pets). This gives them the opportunity to get out everything that’s on their mind so that they don’t need to interrupt you when you get in the zone.
05. Sit back down in your area. Be sure to check any and all forms of social media right now so you aren’t tempted later. BE THOROUGH. This is a good time to creep on that girl you met in second grade that you haven’t talked to since. If during the social media sweep you are reminded of that favorite Netflix show, you’d better watch one more episode really quick. Nip that future distraction in the bud!
There you have it! You can repeat steps 3-5 as many times as needed until panic sets in and you realize you only have one hour to complete a task that normally takes five. We all work better under pressure…be sure to tell yourself this as those tears of desperation take form in your eyes.
When you finish your task at the absolute last possible second (really though, not the last minute. The last second.), you’ll feel satisfyingly smug knowing that you just did that five times faster than a normal person. BECAUSE YOU’RE A GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL!